I just wanna say off bat I don't want to die or hurt myself or anything like that. I don't want you guys to worry about that. Truly, I'm not suicidal.

I think I'm spiraling guys. Like I'm starting to realize that I'm self destructive, lazy, and so petrified of failure that I'd rather die having done nothing than even risk it. I don't really know what brought this on, partially Bray's death (dude is only like 7 years older than me, in far better shape, and fucking died of a heart attack), partially all the time I've had to just think since I lost my job. I guess I'm just at the point where I really don't like me and the people who do like me just like the parts of me they see. They don't know about how I blatantly lie to their faces every day just so I can avoid confrontation. The only reason I'm able to do this here is because I know that I can just not open discord and avoid any responses if I don't like them. They don't know that last night I spent an hour crying out of frustration and self pity because of the romance scene in the new episode of Superman. They don't know that for the past 8 years I've done nothing but consume media, jerk off, and make plans in my head that I've never even really took the first step towards. I try to project this outwards appearance of being somebody worth investing in when I'm really not. Remember how I said I was gonna write a book? Yeah that lasted for all of 3 days until I decided what's the fucking point and just played video games instead. I tell myself "oh I'm busy I'll do it tomorrow" but that's not fucking true. I give up because it's too much work and I can just play video game instead. I spent 6 hours last night listening to music and just staring at the fucking wall. I laid in bed for hours unable to sleep because of this emptiness in my chest. Like I'm not a whole person, just a façade of one trying to fool everyone around me.

I put a whole in my wall last year because I got so fucking mad at myself that I couldn't control myself. I lied and told Taylor that I tripped and hit it just right but in reality I lost control and put my fist through the wall and didn't feel any better. I just felt worse because I know that I'm just costing me and her money. I don't know why she didn't kick me out when we broke up, I don't deserve her kindness.

I was a horrible boyfriend to Taylor, I'm not even sure if I ever loved her. I think I did but then I think about how I slept through our 2 year anniversary and all I thought when I saw her crying was "at least I can play League now". When we were together I actively avoided hanging out with her because all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends. We had sex maybe 3 times a year because I thought it was too much work and would rather spend that time jerking off. None of that sounds like love, it sounds like someone so goddamn pathetic they tell themselves "yeah this is a relationship. I love her" when it's really just them being a parasite, leeching off someone elses happiness because it makes them feel normal. Then I made up an excuse to break up with her because I was just so tired of pretending to be happy with her all of the time. I just wanted to let her go so I could freely do what I wanted without having to consider her. How sociopathic does that sound?

If she knew any of this she'd hate me and have every right in doing so. I feel bad about all of this but I'll never tell her because I don't want to hurt her, which is a whole nother thing because I don't know if I don't want to hurt her for her sake or because seeing her cry would make me feel like the piece of shit I am.

I don't know I guess I just feel like I'm at a crossroads where I can try to improve, and actually fucking try this time, or just resign to being someone who will be alone forever distracting himself with video games and tv and what not trying to fill a void that won't ever actually be filled. The issue is I'm so paralyzed by the thought of hard work that I don't even think it is possible for me to improve. So now I'm writing this long, ranting, message in desperate hope that while typing it something will click inside of me and I'll see the path forward but I know that won't happen so really it's just me trying to waste more time by doing something that seems productive or healthy but is actually just a selfish, vain, attention seeking cry for somebody to fix me even though I know they can't.

My Dad would hate who I've become, I know this because I fucking hate who I've become. He would love me but I know he wouldn't respect me.

I don't want to die an overweight loner in a dead end job with nobody around. I don't want to die regretting every choice I ever made. I don't want to die having pretended my entire adult life. I want to be better. I want to find a girl I actually love. I want to hold hands and truly enjoy just being with them. I want to want them so bad that as soon as I get home I rip off their clothes just to be as close to them as possible. I want to feel sad when they're not around. I want to create things that have value, even if only to me. I want to feel the motivation to do things other than waste my life. I want to stop avoiding seeing my family because I know they all think that I've fucked everything up. I want to stop being the person who just wants things and never does anything to get them. I just want to feel like I haven't wasted everything my Mom had done for me, everything she's sacrificed for me. Because right now she's wasted her time, effort, and money.

Above all else I just want to feel like a real fucking person and not a shadow moving from one dopamine rush to the next. Avoiding any and all obstacles. Being selfish and not caring because i can always just lie to people and not have to face things head on.

I want all of this stuff but I'm really not sure if I'm even capable of these feelings. I don't know if something is just missing within me, that spark that makes people actual people. People commend me on being calm and relaxed but what they don't know is that I truly just feel nothing towards so many things. I don't get mad when someone slights me because I truly don't feel anything. The only time I feel anything at all is when I look inwards and always just frustration, anger, and depression. I don't know how I got like this, I was normal as a kid. I got mad, I got happy, I made home movies with my Mom's camera because I just liked doing it.

I don't know I've just been thinking a lot these past few days. Sorry for the self pitying, honestly a little narcissistic rant. I'm embarrassed to do this to the point where I've been sitting here staring at it debating just deleting it for 15 minutes now.

I love you guys. You're probably my closest friends and I don't know what I'd do without you. I guess searching "e-fed" on reddit 10 years ago was one of the few good decisions I ever made. I don't expect you guys to try and fix my problems for me. I don't expect you guys to have a magic answer. I guess I just think being honest with people about everything for the first time in my life might be the first step to moving forward and becoming someone I like.
I hope it is.
Goddamn do I hope it is.